The Calm After the Storm

I must say I am proud of myself. It's not until shit gets hard until you realize exactly how strong you really are. I've had to make due with some fucked up situations the past 2 weeks. I'm happy to say that this time around I've reached the light at the end of the tunnel without even noticing how close it was. Satisfaction... I 've come out on top maybe bruised or bent but NEVER BROKEN

Depressed...

Depressed! I feel like I've been sucked to my core & I have absolutly nothing left to give. In my plexiglass case of emotion & can't break out. I don't know what to do anymore & I give up. It's hurts feelin like no one can careless & you know what.. I'm begining to careless myself. The 1's that I care about leave & the 1's I can't stand stay. They say it's gets greater later, I wonder when later is.. when I'm dead?

Disappointed!!

Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy; the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation.

Confused...

IDK if he knows how I really feel. IDK if he even cares. What I do know is that I'm not going to loose myself behind another dude, never again. I have a lot on my mind and need to make some choices before the weekend is out. The only thing I can do is pray & follow my heart. Only problem is what if my heart goes aganist my god given instincts that I've learned to embrace? What if my mind is playing tricks on me to sabotage something good? I have many questions I need answered. the most important one is, Do you really care for me the way you say you do?

How soon is too soon when it comes to falling in love?

I don't usually post personally blog entries (other then my poems) but I wanna try something different.

I just want to do a quick relationship overlook before we get to the current stuff. First off, I've never been big on casual sex. Don't get me wrong I've had my share of 1 night stands and flings; I'm a man, a gay man at that. However, I have always been more into being in actually relationships with people or at least having 1 steady sex partner even if we don't consider it a "relationship" he's my go to guy for when I have an itch that needs to be scratched if your catching what I'm throwing.

So I've been dating this guy for about 3 months now. We met online exchanged a few messages for like 2 months, then finally traded numbers & started chopping it up over the phone. We chatted on the phone everyday for damn near a month before we finally made plans to meet in person. We made plans to meet up for brunch on a Saturday afternoon & just chill to see how things went. Needless to say everything went good. We had a lovely convo over brunch (which was good because I got to see his facial expressions which I couldn't see over the phone). After brunch we went back to his place & no we did not do the do. We chilled, smoked a few blunts, watched movies & talked all night. Let me not forget I did end up spending the night at his place, but that was because it was late & he didn't want me to travel home. He's such a gentleman. Anyways, since things went really well that time we decided to keep seeing each other. If it isn’t broke don't fix it, right? Well, that is until it breaks lol. So we kept dating openly for a month before we both decided to take the next step & make it official. So now that we're exclusively dating all has been well. I get frustrated at times because of our work schedules we can only spend time with each other on the weekends but we make it work. Now I’ve been in a few relationships in which very few were real serious long term relationships but until now have I been able to say to myself, "damn I could marry this man." I've bounce my thoughts around to friends but that got nowhere being that most of my friends either just love living the single life or are just in love with the idea of being in love but sadly have never experienced it. Now out of the ones that know where I’m coming from I’ve gotten mixed feedback, naturally. It's not surprising that most ask me if I love him. My answer is yes. I do love him & I find myself falling deeper & deeper for him the more we spend time together. Am I head over heels in love with him? No. However, if we keep going at the rate we are, then that’s not far away at all. For everyone that asked me: “Don’t you think it’s too early to be in love?” My question to them & ya'll readers is " How soon is too soon when it comes to falling in love?” I mean I don't think anyone can determine that. I'm not saying it was love at 1st sight (in which I do believe in). I believe that you can't put a time limit to determine the intensity in which 1 person cares for another. I have been in love, it went sour but it was good while it lasted. I know how it feels to be in love. I also know that I’ve never felt a love like this before, his love, the greatest love that I’ve known thus far & nothing will take that away (fingers crossed, lol). So to bring back the question, How soon is too soon when it comes to falling in love? My answer would be, "It's never too soon. It’s whenever you heart is ready. So to everyone with the negativity, my haters & the bitter, broken, scorn bicthes out there I promise you 1 thing. This love is gonna last. Ask me next year how things are going & I’ll be more then happy to tell ya'll "Just fine, Thanks!" Hopefully I’d have a ring on this pretty little finger of mine, lol. That’s just wishful thinking. I'm out ya'll. Please comment! I love the feedback.

A Letter My Ex wrote me the 1st time he got locked up...

I wasn't going to post it but everytime I read this I smile. He was my 1st love. I remember the day I got this in the mail.  Enjoy!!!

I Cant Blame U

I know there are times where you doubt all my love

I cant blame u

I know youre upset that Im doing this time

I cant blame u

I know there is hard because I left u alone

and still I cant blame u

But listen

We started out simple with words I would say

directed @ u as u walked away

Would ask u a question just 2 hear speak

You never know when your voice was so sweet

Would stop u @ times just 2 look @ youre face

Everyone of those times, I remember the place

Still remember the time I knew that I could spend my life with a person I knew was good!

It was beautiful we crossed paths

Never knowing we were each others other half

Remember our walks & everything we spoke

How sex was always apart of the joke

As time crept by we felt more secure

knowing in our hearts this love was 4 sure

Slowly we did things 2 teach us our ways

Only 2 awaken 2 much brighter days!

The days went on and stronger we felt

that if this love were ice it would never melt

Til one day I awoke & changed it all

Yet before it happened I made the call

I said "Today seems funny; its not my day"

Yet I still went out & projected my way

Now today has come & my skies are grayer then blü

But whatever u desire

I still can't blame u

Written by Keith

to Joseph 04.18.05

My Epiphany Of Hope

Dear Jesus Lord,

You've made my day, through the thunder & rain reminded me it will be o.k.

You've looked after me in all my hard times, and still I rejected you and got down grime.

In my heart I knew you existed, even when I tried to act like my soul was unlisted.

As an offspring of yours I know I'm a winner, however made some wrong turns & lived life a sinner.

Again you've touched my soul & my spirit flies wavin', and help me to realize I'm worthy of savin'.

For all my negative deeds, I look to you and amend.

Heavenly father, I love you, thank you.

Amen

Loving Me 4 Me

I used to look outside myself for love, never thinking about my god above.

I used to do things to be considered "cool", and in the end I was branded the "fool".

I used to think it was wrong to be unique, putting up a social front to play hide & seek.

I used to dumb myself out and follow the "band wagon", not accepting my qualities as gifts and should have been braggin'.

I smoked weed, sniffed coke and popped E. With intentions of setting my mind free, looking back now it was b/c I was uncomfortable with my sexuality.

But now today even through all that shit, I'm happy to say... I'm Loving me 4 me and wouldn't have it any other way.

Good guy, Bad guy

Good guy, Bad guy ~~> Question- Which one am I?

Growing up my mother told me being a good guy was the way to be, going through a mental conflict that I could not see.

In school I always stuck to the positive ways, coming home with report cards flossin' all A's.

Somewhere along the line I don't know where I went wrong, somehow anger & misery became the name of my song.

Dropped out of school and into the wrong mix, coming home high & disrespectful calling my mom a fat b*t*h.

I remember the time she tried to confront me with the switch, telling her you mis-heard me I said I had a bad ich.

My life spiraled out of control and all out of wack, it's a miracle I didn't result to smoking crack.

With the past being gone and the future so near, however now I'm living in a present of fear.

So back to the question: good guy, bad guy which one am I?

I've always been a good guy, just livin' a bad guy lie.

Funny People

You know sometimes people say the damnedest things, shoutin' out rude remarks hoping it stings.

They look at you funny talking & walking around, or even minding your business not making a sound.

And for strange reasons I don't know why, their stupidity & ignorance make them say things hoping you cry.

However It's only together chillin' with the boys, is when most of them choose to make the most noise.

When you finally had enuff & wanna get it poppin', it gets so quiet you can hear a rat pissin' on cotton.

Then again all alone It's like they have stealh, staying out of the radar you know homie your playin' yourself.

I don't know why, why they can't see. Nothing they say bothers me.

If you can't take a hint, I'll offer some help. You wouldn't be a problem if you just shut the fuck up.

Getting Sick Of A Friend

Why is it that when you don't wanna be bothered people take it personal?

I have someone that I used to be close with. I wouldn't say we were bestfriends, but we hung out a lot. Over time I've been seeing little things here and there about the person that I don't like. He Spends more time talking about bullshit. Things that i don't think anyone cares about. If he's not talkin bullshit, he's spreading othe peoples' business. It pisses me off because he talks about people like his life is glitter gold. When infact the truth is, it's really not. Far from it . Most of my other friends that know him tell me that he tries to be like me. I didn't see it at first but more recently I've been seeing it. It's not just me tho. I'm convinced he doesn't know how to be himself. BUT! How could you be yourself, if you don't kow yourself? IDK all I know is that I can't stand to be around him. What makes it even worse, we work together. I mean like share a fuckin office. Looking at him now gives me a headache. Hearing his voice and mostly when he laughs makes me wanna vomit. IDK what wrong with me. I wish I knew why I feel that way towards him. I mean he hasn't done anything personally wrong to me. Besides him being 2-faced, sneeky, a gossip queen, drama queen, shit/rumor starter, and just royal pain in the ass I guess he's ok. I thought for a while it was just me. It's not. My other friends that know him also feel the same. They also agree he is annoying. Let's just say he's not a person you'd invite 1st to a party. Still I don't know if he does this on purpose b/c he wants attention(for people like him any attention is good attention). But As for me I don't like to be around him. I do not enjoy nor to I desire to talk to him anymore. Everytime I talk to him I get mad at myself because I know b4 the convo starts i'm gonna be over it. Yet I still entertain the convo and get over it, as usual. So I've started to just not speak at all. I mean it's working for me. Besides I really have nothing to say to him. I know he feels some sort of way. I don't care. I'm not gonna be like my other friends tho. I'm not gonna say how annoying he is whens he's not around and KiKi with him when he is around. Nope them I would be just as fake as him. I forgot to mention that he was fake. Very phoney. The phoneiness like oozes from his pores. §o he's just another tally in my "I had to cut you off" list. Do I feel bad? Sometimes. However only on the strenght that he has done nothing to me. I can't help the fact that he's an annoying fuck. I can only help how I let it affect me. §o if i'm not around the shit, I can't smell it. Well I think I've expressed myself enough about this topic. I know if the person I was talking about reads this he's gonna do what he does best.. Talk, talk, talk. I don't care. He can talk shit and read me all he wants. That just proves my point!!! Anyways, I Just needed to vent and release.